Community, friendships, and maintaining our place within them.
After some time out I am back to blogging, but what will I write about after such a gap? It seems that while I always have a plethora of subject ideas when I am driving, daydreaming, or doing physical work but I am hopeless at coming up with creative ideas when I sit with the sole purpose of coming up with ideas (oh, the irony). This brain fudge is only made worse when Grammarly steps in with its helpful, yet somewhat futile and perfectionist attempts to improve my grammar and punctuation. But I am here, it is Friday and I'd like to share some thoughts.
But where to start? Usually, I like to write stuff that we can all relate to. Something useful or thought-provoking, in some way. Typically this centres around TMS, after all, we're all here because of that. Maybe that is a good start? Community. The benefit of community and friendships?
Community, friendships, and maintaining our place within them.
According to Vox contributor Allie Volpe, "As social creatures, Humans need interpersonal contact to survive".
Clinical and community psychologist David McMillan says, "A community is defined by four criteria: membership, influence, integration and fulfilment of needs, and shared emotional connection. To be part of a community, you must feel a sense of belonging (membership), feel like you make a difference to the group and that the group makes a difference to you (influence), feel like your needs will be met by other group members (integration and fulfilment of needs), and feel that you share history, similar experiences, time, and space together (shared emotional connection). High school, college, and retirement communities, McMillan says, are examples of community: “In college, the world is organized around satisfying you,” he says. From extracurricular activities to communal living, the entire experience centres around group collaboration and satisfaction. While a community can consist of pairs or small groups of friends — and help foster those connections — community members don’t necessarily need to be friends.
In contrast, friendship “is an invested, dedicated, platonic relationship where two people who are friends with each other, are committed to the growth, the well-being, the support, the thriving of each other."
I'll admit, as I read this I thought about how much I could improve my own sense of community. Back in the day, when I was a snowboard coach, it was much easier. My work and lifestyle provided my community and I fitted easily into it. But these days it's a little harder and at times life can feel more isolating, especially since my work is also fairly solitary. I'd love to know if many of you here ever feel isolated or not as engaged or in touch with your local/global community and friends as you would like to be and if so, how does that feel for you? I know, for me, as a slightly extroverted introvert I have to force myself to participate but, oh my gosh, when I do, I almost always feel in much higher spirits.
So as much as I struggle at maintaining community, I have become better at it, especially now that I get a bit older and recognise that healthy friendships are of primary importance in our lives. That isn't to say downtime isn't just as important, like everything in life, it is all about balance.
So why, when we know we want community, belonging and connection can we have a hard time belonging to a wider scene? Maybe this is only a problem specific to introverts? Perhaps, even more so, an introverted male problem? I feel women (not to generalise) are typically better at staying engaged with their friends and family. Are there any extroverts out there who suffer from this issue of sustaining regular community activity?
TMS can also cause someone to drop out of social and community activities, especially if those activities revolve around physical pursuits. I've one friend who has recently suffered terrible chronic fatigue and anxiety, a lot of her socialisation revolved outdoor sports, and once she suffered with chronic exhaustion she found herself with less community to engage with, but with the right approach we can find new communities and new ways to engage with our friends. In my pals case she took the initiative to buy an e-bike to help reduce exhaustion levels during rides, as well as piano and drawing. Sometimes we must adapt in order to survive a period of hardship.
I feel we need be flexible enough to see that friendships take many different forms, and the ones that are the most important to maintain are the ones who are there for you no matter what. I call these 'golden friends'. In some circumstances, we even drift apart from our golden friends, and when this happens, it is because we have grown apart and our values no longer align. This is ok too. No relationship should be strained and sustained based on a feeling that was once there. Emotional flexibility and an ability to accept the ever-changing process of life can help with this. I have had many friends come and go over the years most of the golden friends remain but a few, especially those from my mid-teens and early 20s have since drifted. We change and evolve and that is a good thing.
So I'd like to wrap this up with some ideas on sustaining and maintaining community and friends.
Prioritize your values and interests
Make community and friendships a habit (this requires dedication until it feels normal (IMHO)
Volunteer. It's not for everyone but it can be a great way to be part of something important while creating connections with those who share the same value
Join a group. Online can be great but in person, and local is much better. Online can help complement your community experience and find niche fields that you might not find in your local area.
Take up a sport (if possible)
Help those who need it. This also fills us with a greater sense of purpose. Being useful feels incredibly meaningful.
If you're creative you might try to come up with your own community-based ideas.
Get out of the house and engage with the world, find a local cafe or social space where your face will become familiar (for me, when living in Germany for a period, I joined a local gym and became a regular at the sauna. Over time I'd see the same faces and we'd have chats, it was a small thing but made a big difference to my sense of community and belonging.
It might sound silly, but use the same supermarket and get to know the staff a little, make an effort to ask how their day is. Over time a connection is made and you feel part of a wider network. I love quick chats at the checkout.
Don't be shy to spark up conversations with random people. Most people love to chat, and if they don't, respect that, and keep on moving.
If you are in a public-facing role, and if it is possible, then get to know your customers, especially your regulars. They appreciate it and you'll deepen your sense of belonging. This is something I do myself.
If you would like to read more on sustaining community and friendships from a real expert in the field then check out Allie Volpe's article on Vox: https://www.vox.com/.../how-to-find-your-community-as-an...
All the best for now
Duncan