TMS and overcoming the fear of sport.
Since I was young I have enjoyed sports that give me that edge of adrenaline, sports that give me a “buzz”, or what is more commonly known as, “stoke” in the world of ‘adrenaline’, or ‘risk’ sports. I don’t particularly like the term ‘adrenaline sports’ as it conjures up images of BASE jumping, big wave surfing, solo, high-line slacklining, or free climbing. While I am interested in these activities from a spectator stance I do not have the drive to do them. Not to say that the obvious thrill of jumping off a cliff, equipped with nothing but a wing suit on isn’t extremely appealing, the risk is still too high.
However, I do enjoy sports that are creative, agile, and require some degree of consequence, you know, the kind that pull you into a state of intense presence. Skateboarding, for example, depending on the style or approach, is one such activity that requires moderate risk and heightened levels of adrenaline. It’s these factors that make coming back to activities like this such a challenge. The greater the risk, the greater the resistance towards participation and the greater the likelihood that the body will say ‘no’!
If you suffer, or have suffered from TMS you’ll know that getting back to any level of sport or physical activity is one of the most difficult things you can do. It is scary to step forward in the face of such mental and physical adversity. When you have suffered TMS pain, especially if your experience spanned many years, steeped in depression and fear, the last thing you usually wish to do is invite the opportunity for more pain. This is where a wall can come up between you and progress.
However, once you have come to a place with your TMS recovery where you have your nervous system and pain pathways under some sort of control, allowing you to do “normal” activity like walking and standing for periods, you will want to take it to the next level... Reintroduction to your sport/activity of choice. If you have no fear, that is great, but most of us will hesitate in the face of potential danger. Just the idea of stepping onto a snowboard, bike, or skateboard might feel pretty overwhelming.
If it doesn’t feel worrying to you, or you feel numb inside but then feel a sudden ache or pain in your body at the idea of, or in an attempt to do sport (especially if that sport contributed to physical damage in the past), then despite your lack of conscious awareness, in your unconscious you are terrified by the idea of of getting hurt or by looking foolish and your body is speaking up. If you genuinely really feel enthusiastic to participate but you are still having pain, then you might want to look at some other area of your life that is causing distress, but since this post is about sport I am going to keep on topic. There is only one solution to this...
Step one involves Belief in yourself, belief in your body, and believe that you are, in fact, structurally capable of pushing yourself forward, crouching, lunging, jumping, and experiencing impact and sudden movements. That bone spur, that herniated disc, that torn meniscus from years ago, none of it is stopping you from participating in and pushing what you are capable of. The only thing re-igniting an old area of pain or tightening your knees, back or shoulders is your fear. It is your unconscious stepping in as a way to protect you from the deep-seated, unconscious fear of what might happen to you or how you might look to others as you attempt to do something you once so easily did.
The second step is to allow yourself to feel your emotional experience. If you have never learnt to process or feel emotions (like me) then you can say a few simple words out loud. You might be embarrassed to hear these words but if you are in pain then they are your truth “I am scared right now. I am afraid, I am really scared, maybe even terrified” As you say these words over and over you might notice a speeding up of your breath, perhaps you’ll also become aware of your heart rate too. By saying out loud what you feel you are allowing yourself to connect with a part of you that feels vulnerable, the very part of us that we never show others or ourselves. Your bodies response with increased respiratory contractions and elevated heart rate is the stuck energy of repression transmuting. It is our repressed vulnerability that is keeping you from discovering our potential.
As you feel your breath increase, stay with it, if you distract yourself you will interrupt the energy, you must stay with the feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it is, stay with your experience and allow it to pass through you, it is only energy and the lighting up of old emotions and nothing to be afraid of. It might continue for some time. This is okay, just let it flow as long as it needs. Just feel the fear in your heart and then feel the sorry and the sadness that it will likely begin to manifest into. Feel it, and feel it more, soon the breath will regulate and if you experience tears at this point, that is normal, this is the nervous system balancing itself and your body returning to homeostasis. A state it might not be very familiar with.
How do you feel now? Do you still feel scared? Or do you feel like giving your sport a go? Just step into it, play with it, see how it feels. Go slowly, or full speed ahead, whatever feels right for you. Just ease into it in your own way and accept noting from no one else telling you how you should feel. There is no expectation on you except for the expectation you place on yourself. There is nothing to prove, just being here with your sport is enough, this is a huge milestone, you have gone from feeling hopeless and crippled to contemplating and playing with athleticism. This is a huge feet, all by its self. Even better, you are coming back to yourself and learning to process your experience, this is transferable in all areas of our lives. So what if you don’t ‘rip’ the mountain as you used to and so what if you don’t run 20k or jump of a cliff. All this will come back in time, for now you might just feel stoked or grateful that you are here, present, playing with and experimenting with what you might be capable of and seeing what you can do today, not tomorrow, not next week, but today.
And I promise... I know that today you can do more than you might believe because I did it, and I do it, and I am just a normal guy with fears just like everyone else, but I practice moving through those fears by admitting them and saying them either out loud or to myself. I might even stop, and pause, and then laugh at the peculiar and fascinating nature of the mind, recognising that nothing is really that serious. And with this in mind we can step forward, enjoying sport and enjoying the glide.
No matter what your chosen sport, no matter how scary it is, if you have suffered TMS and chronic pain, all activity can become threatening, so do yourself a favor and give yourself some respect that you are giving it another go... Because that is the bravest thing you can do.