How to Say No: The Truth About People Pleasing and Overcoming Obligation
Suppressed frustration leads to mind body symptoms. Don't fall victim to the curse of people pleasing and chronic obligation.
"If anger is society's most frowned upon "negative" character trait, then people-pleasing must be society's most rewarded negative character trait".
How many of you find yourself doing things out of obligation, only to find yourself feeling resentful?
I used to find myself in this situation frequently, where I’d be caught between a yes and a no. Sometimes I’d feel I should say yes when on the inside I wanted to say no, and vice versa. 'Should' is a keyword here because it is a word associated with the strict, inner parent, who was taught to be overly conscientious and always a good boy or girl. It has nothing to so with the inner child who longs to just be itself, authentic and at peace.
Luckily, I also say yes to a lot of things I genuinely want to do which includes helping people out and being of service to others but, my goodness, do I still stumble on 'yeses' when I mean, "No, I can't do that today".
When the people-pleasing character trait is at the foundation of our identity, and the trait that helps safeguard us from potential threats (other people's disappointment, anger or upset in us) it can feel incredibly difficult to let go of.
The truth is, people pleasing is lying, it's a subtle form of manipulation (manipulating others into being happy with us).
When we do things we don’t, deep down, really want to do, we do so not because we're so wonderfully kind, thoughtful and caring (as society likes to think people-pleasers are) instead, we do so to protect ourselves from the potential anger and disappointment of others. We do it so they'll like us, maybe even love us, and to avoid rejection.
If anger is society's most frowned upon "negative" character trait, then people-pleasing must be society's most rewarded negative character trait. Ironically, people-pleasing results in suppressed anger. It is the smile where underneath is a loathsome frown, and if you suffer from this then it can not continue if you want to come back to yourself, feel whole, confident, assertive, and self-assured again.
To think about disappointing someone close to us can be enough to send a wave of anxiety through the body, but it is possible to overcome people-pleasing and chronic obligation.
Here are some helpful pointers that have served me since starting my own journey:
The first time is the hardest, so say "no" and then (assuming it was an extremely difficult no) sit with the painstakingly horrible discomfort which has you desperate to reach for anything that will numb the pain, because, by god, if you are a bonafide people pleaser, then this is going to hurt... But you can do this, and you'll feel so much better, for doing so!
If it is easier, start with small no's and build up. This normalizes the feeling which creatines a positive neural feedback loop.
No one wants to come across as totally rude, so learn to say no in a way that doesn't sound cold and blunt. "no, I can't do that today, maybe someone else can?" "unfortunately, not today" Remember you don't have to apologise for not being able to do something unless you already committed and now you're pulling out. I often still say "Sorry, I can't", but it really isn't necessary and you'll make better progress if you don't apologise. This is still a subtle way of keeping them happy with you.
Don't numb the pain with anything. You might feel physical pain, and that's ok, you don't feel safe and your body is dysregulated, find a calm place, slow down, keep breathing and, in time, your nervous system will regulate and the physical symptoms will pass. If you use self-soothing or addictive behaviours to regulate when feeling emotional discomfort then it is crucial not to reach for anything to numb the pain. This includes social media, food, shopping, sport, bitching and moaning to your friends, drugs (alcohol), sex, or anything else that you've learnt to associate with instant relief. Your mind, body and nervous system can not learn to regulate if it is numbed at every bump in the road.
Self-soothe in a healthy way by grounding yourself in the present. There are many ways to do this.. Here are just some
Validate your emotional experience in three steps by:
Acknowledging your emotions
Accepting you feel bad now but this will pass
Have compassion and comfort yourself "I am afraid and that's ok, but I am safe, and no harm will come to me"
Dissociation is common in these situations so, if needed you can use physical touch by tapping your body with your hands, this is very grounding and reminds your brain that you are here, present, and in this body.
Use Claire Weekes method and allow anxiety to pass:
Face (what is happening and don't avoid)
Accept (the feelings and don't fight or numb them)
Float (don't resist fear, instead "float" through it)
Let time pass (remember our nervous systems regulate with time and support)
(I'll do a further post on Claire Weekes soon)
All the best for now
Duncan